A Letter From J

J started martial arts for fitness but ended up with a better relationship with her body. With her permission, here are excerpts from a message she sent me:

“Part of the martial arts experience, especially for me as a woman, is how it changes your body image. Women often carry a sense that they are objects—that their bodies are sources of power only insofar as they can attract a man or generate attention. ... Our bodies are constantly critiqued—by others but also by our internal self critics.

For decades I scrutinized my body, hated my body, but was attached to it against my will. This eventually bled into unhealthy relationships, over-exercise, restricted eating, and a generally horrible relationship with food and my body. People say that eating disorders are about control. They are not. Those with disordered eating feel OUT of control. I hated the loss of control, feeling driven by, and terrified, of food, of myself. I was a loathsome object.

Then I started martial arts.

It moves me to tears. Suddenly my body was a powerhouse of defense and strength. It had utility. It was fascinating and deep. My body was capable of things I had never considered or explored. These experiences started the first month. I was strong. The gender-neutralizing nature of the uniform only emphasized the experience.

In my uniform, my body was for fighting, for power, for using, for moving. I was and still am constantly shocked at what I'm capable of and how effective it is. I am small, only 5'3," and I was not used to feeling power ripple through me. My body was not just an object to attract men. It was not just a repository for pain. My body was a fucking powerhouse. My disordered eating disappeared. I no longer needed to punish myself with food, and I felt in control of my body and its destiny. Rather than the world happening to my body and self-worth, I reclaimed myself back from the world. And I learned what I could tolerate and celebrate. It's not just learning that I am capable of doing things. I can push through that panic. I can handle the fear that comes from facing opponents.

When I learned how strong I am, I fell in love with my body, and I am full of pride now. Not to show it off but to use it for me because it is fascinating and fun. What a simple and beautiful experience, almost childlike.

I now attempt to serve my body well. Our relationship is healthy and warm now. ... Food no longer scares me. I'm not ashamed of my body. Hard to articulate is the gender nonconforming identity shift. It feels deep inside me. ...

One of the powerful things I did to mark this change and my commitment to martial arts was to cut my hair very short. I had long hair for most of my life. Very long. I found it got in the way. Long hair also symbolizes and expresses a very feminine gender identity. I feel less feminine than I used to. I wanted to let go of a part of myself that felt objectified by me, that brought out vanity, that symbolized surrender to a culture dangerous to women. I cut my hair very intentionally on the anniversary of my divorce. I let go of my attachment to sexually objectifying my body and moved towards a more gender nonconforming expression.

Without meaning to, I started wearing less makeup, wearing simpler clothes, and simply not even thinking about how I perform gender. What I've learned is that those are not the things that express my self-worth. The power my body holds, the latent power and utility, is what is beautiful to me. Every time I look in the mirror, I am reminded of my commitment to this art and to my warm and loving relationship with my body.

My body is reclaimed. Reclaimed by me. On my own terms. And this is all thanks to martial arts.”

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